Living Your “Un-lived” Life

“We all hurt in silence, but silence is too loud sometimes. Too much silence will make you deaf.” – Anonymous

She sits at her desk, doing her job she is so good at…she has her head in her hands.  “Is this all life is?  There has to be more than this”.  She lives for her her husband and children, the home she created with her family, her job she dedicates so much time and energy to and the routine she created.  She loves her life and her family dearly, she feels fortunate, even though there are days she feels unappreciated… she knows there is a part of her life she is not living.  What does she want?  Maybe just more time, freedom to put aside the mundane routine and enjoy life a little more; laugh a little more.

He loves his family, loves his job even though it consumes more time than he ever knew.  He tries to make time for himself when he can, although difficult anymore. He loves his children and his wife.  He works out, eats well…tries to look good for her, but she doesn’t even notice him anymore. He just wants to run and run…

She’s worked so hard, gave up so much…maybe too much to her, but she hopes she is on the right path.  She is balancing a job and a business on limited time and funds.  She is almost at her wits end though.  She has a mental overload…needs a vacation? more money? can’t get either.  She needs a new job, a man, a new place to live, a whole lot of luck…needs something to go right before she goes crazy.

Growing older, the woman he has loved for so many years may not be the woman that will grow old with him.  He has dreams that she wants no part of…she has her own life, which he doesn’t seem to be included in anymore.  He wants to work on that bucket list…live at a beach, scuba dive, hike a mountain…anything, but he did not want to do it alone.  This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.

She sits on the floor, crying and staring at the canvas.  Cannot get it together, cannot get inspired.  There is no time to create a painting anymore and when there is time, the creative flow just isn’t there.  Her real job, the one that pays the bills, consumes a lot of time and takes away the mental energy from what little time her creative energy allows.  She feels she cannot make the break from this job to live another life…what will happen if she does?  Life has become such a routine anymore.  She knows she needs to make changes; preaches it, even.  She is afraid.  Everything else in her personal life is wonderful, she has fallen in love, made a lot of positive changes in her life,  but still needs this one thing to fulfill this too long lifelong dream.

She knows she has to lose weight, feels bad all the time and hates looking in the mirror anymore.  And to even think about shopping for fall clothes…well that just won’t happen.  She knows she needs to eat better and exercise, but it all just seems too overwelming.  It’s hurting her relationship too because he doesn’t even care about himself anymore to care about her.  And he won’t even try with her so why bother? She sees other people’s success, but buries herself in her lack of self-esteeem.  She is trying to reach out.

She loves somebody else and has for a long time, but she cannot bring herself to even tell him…cannot endure the crushing pain of possible denial.  It’s killing her inside…she just wants a life with him, but that may never happen.  So she continues on with her life feeling alone inside; afraid to love anyone else that may come along because they don’t compare to him.

She stays in an unhappy marriage.  Works her little job for extra money…it’s not enough to live on.  She suffers through abuse and feels trapped.  This was supposed to be forever wasn’t it.  She’s lost her independence and can’t even remember what her dreams were anymore.  Career? Hobbies?…they ceased to exist anymore and now how does she get them back?  She lives in silence.

He has found the love of his life, the woman he will grow old with and share dreams with, but hates his job.  He tries to like it, does well at what he does; it pays the bills and buys them some fun extras in life, but this job has carved a huge crater in his mental being.  He feels incomplete because of it.  He’s not even sure what direction to take, but doesn’t want to wake up one day with regrets.  He doesn’t want to just share dreams with her, he wants to live those dreams.

Each situation represents several people I know or have come in contact with…and oddly enough most of the conversations I’ve had have been in the past couple of weeks, like I was meant to hear their heartbreak. I felt it.  When we think we are the only ones with problems and then realize too many people are not living the life they wish…all in the same situation, it makes it even more dismal.  I think too many people with this struggle are (as the book says) “fifty shades of fucked up”.  We all share similar problems and many are looking to live that “un-lived” life…that is the missing piece to the puzzle of life that could possibly give us complete happiness. We are afraid to make changes in our life…afraid to let our weaknesses show.

It’s time to move past the road blocks we’ve created for ourselves and really examine the life we want to live.  We have to prove our independence to ourselves by stating the changes we wish to make and actually following through with them.  It’s time come off auto-pilot and take time to enjoy this life we have.

If the life you lead and the life you wish to lead are far apart then find what you need to do to make them closer and hopefully overlap, so the once “un-lived” life is now your real-lived life.  I have made many small changes in the past several years and a few monumental ones.  My real life and the “un-lived” life I longed for were so distant it seemed unattainable.  I’ve shortened that distance a lot…not quite there yet, but I feel so close to living the life I always thought I should live.  Call it finding yourself or changing your reality.

Call it a new beginning.  Yes, find that one or two or five parts of your life that do not complete your happiness and throw them aside one by one or all at once. Remove the people, jobs, poisons, negative energies that are holding you back. It’s time for positive changes and thinking…time to set goals, make plans, take chances.  You deserve it don’t you?  Do you think the grand plan for your life is that you really deserve unhappiness? Deserve unsatisfaction? Deserve struggle? Deserve fear?  I don’t.

Advertisements

Darkness, Sweat and Fears

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting,
dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.
~ Edgar Allan Poe

My only light during the hurricane.

The past week has been long. Too long for a supposed minor hurricane. With all the preparing we do it still turns our lives upside down.

4 full days without power in the Louisiana heat. To me this is living primal…I got to live like a cavewoman for 4 days. Even though I had a few modern necessities like texting (although I had to charge the phone in the car) and a flushing toilet, I took my Paleo lifestyle to a new level.

I prepared my Paleo survival food and cooked like mad before the storm came…it was coming a half day earlier than expected. Burgers, beef jerky, cut up vegetables, bacon, Paleo pancakes  sweet potatoes, pork roast and lots of water. Got the food cold knowing power would go off. I guess our hunter gatherer ancestors would have prepared what they could or consumed what food they could knowing they would be without for a few days.

Survival mode sets in. The hurricane came by overnight. Howling winds shaking the house. Up all night I tried to see the rain and watch the streets. Watching for flood…calling our tugboats on the Mississippi River to see how much it’s rising. It’s a little unnerving. Katrina didn’t hit us direct so what would Isaac do? He stalled and moved North. Thankfully.  On Tuesday evening, when the wind barely started, the power went out. Flashlight broke so I lit a few candles. Total darkness and I mean the scary boogeyman type of darkness. Alone with the dogs and cats in the dark.  One time at night I sat in the car charging the phone and getting some air with the dogs and a knock at the window by a neighbor, drunk and scaring the shit out of me.  I felt very alone.  Note for next time: Get a gun.

Rain and wind continued until the next day then it stopped. Then no breeze and the sun came out. Then the heat set in. Topping 100 degrees and extreme humidity. It was too hot to even go upstairs in the house.  I can barley function. I tried to exercise in the house but too hot. Walking the dogs was all I could do other than picking up debris and tree branches outside.  This is just what you do.  Ice was melting quick; so I stand in long lines to get ice. Throw out food going back and eat what I could. I still had to work…Grace had power, she took us in to her nice cool home to work for a few hours, then Ken did the same. I worried about the dogs and cats in the heat, and I would rush back to my hot home.  It’s still home so I don’t want to be away long.

And sleep, boy did I sleep. I slept as soon as the sun went down. Too dark and hot to stay awake. It was a little scary. I wait for a comforting voice to call. And after I would sleep more.

By Saturday with the sun and heat, although unbearable, it almost seemed normal and hoping this new “normal” would end.  Sweat is just pouring down me; standing under a cool shower feels wonderful.

And just as the sun is setting and the Michigan football game begins, the power comes on!  Glorious air conditioning…close the windows and make it cold!  Sprawl out on the couch and celebrate.  Just in time.

Out of cavewoman mode to recovery mode.  Work, clean, work.  The stress experienced after almost makes you want a little of that primal life…just without the scary parts.